Dr Leon Levitt shares how a simple mindset change can positively affect child behaviour outcomes, and why it’s important for parents to be consistent.
It can be hard to maintain mental composure when your child is having a tantrum or whining for a snack half an hour before dinner, and these are scenarios parents know all too well.
“Give me strength” is the oft-uttered cry of the exhausted parent just trying to get through such times, but the truth of the matter is that the only voice that can answer this request is your own.
Learning how to respond to difficult behaviour is as important for reducing parental stress and anxiety as it is for teaching children how to behave. And it starts with you.
Changing your mindset: how parents can positively affect child behaviour outcomes
Among the factors that influence child behaviour, the first (and perhaps most important) is fostering a secure attachment with your child.
The importance of secure attachments
Research shows that children with secure attachments to their parents display the following:
- More empathy
- Greater self-esteem
- Better parental and peer relationships
- An easier transition to school
- Better at handling emotions
From day one, there are simple things you can do to increase the likelihood of your child displaying good behaviour in the years to come. Bonding with your baby is your first step.
Baby bond-building
This is relatively simple compared to the many other facets of parenting and involves:
- Making eye contact with your baby
- Being warm and responsive
- Skin-to-skin contact works wonders
- Responding to their cries for feeding, changing and sleep
- Smile, talk, play, cuddle, repeat
Adapting to age
With older children, responsiveness is about providing safety when needed and freedom when desired. Toddlers often look for reassurance in a parent’s face before attempting something new (for instance, stepping into a sandpit with other children) and a smile and nod lets them know that they are safe and that you are there.
If a child feels supported to explore, their confidence to do so will grow as they age and they’ll be less likely to develop fears and anxieties.
7 Steps to becoming an infuencer (of good behaviour in kids)
If someone asks what you do for a living, it’s reasonable to add ‘influencer’ to the mix. That’s because parents are the main source a child has for how things are in the world. So if you want your child to mirror good behaviour, you’ll have to first show them how.
- Modelling behaviour: it looks great on you
Behaviours like talking in a calm, steady voice or using polite language like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are learned through exposure. Making sure you demonstrate these traits when your child observes you is as important as employing them when speaking to your kids.
- R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Talking to and treating your children with respect is very important in developing their value and self-esteem. Just because they are small people does not mean they don’t deserve the same consideration as big people. Kids who receive respect on a daily basis are likely to be more considerate to others in their interactions.
- Managing moods and messages
Young children don’t often have the ability to distinguish between clear messages and emotional responses and it can be confusing for them. Parents who are tired or frustrated (so, a large majority) may be letting their mood affect their child without meaning to; taking a moment to centre before speaking can make all the difference.
- Praise them where it counts
Parenting with praise (wherever possible) is more likely to result in an atmosphere of approval and acceptance in the home. If your child exhibits a behaviour you like, be sure to provide positive feedback. Praise builds confidence in children and helps them learn which behaviours to put energy into based on the feedback they get.
- Create an environment of acceptance and security
This applies to all in the household, not just the kids. Treating all members of the family with respect and kindness teaches children that they live in a safe and accepting environment and that every member within it deserves the same level of respect and consideration.
- Be consistent
What do the gym, custard and parenting all have in common? Consistency is key. This applies to promises kept, as well as making sure responses to behaviour doesn’t differ between situations (for instance, if swearing is ignored and then reprimanded later, it’s easy for a child to become confused as to what is acceptable.)
- Offer a solution
Much like in business, it helps to come to the table with a solution before attempting to change the current approach (behaviour). Older kids who understand cause and effect may be able to come up with alternative approaches to scenarios, but younger children will need some help. Knowing that someone is there with answers is reassuring and builds on a child’s trust in their parents.
How to play fair: managing expectations of child behaviour
It’s all well and good to implement these principles in parenting but they must cater to the child’s developmental stage. The Australian Psychological Society asserts that parents who understand their child’s developmental tasks are better able to effectively make adjustments in their parenting to meet their child’s changing needs.
Your definition of good behaviour will change as your child progresses through infancy to adolescence. Whether that means brushing their teeth without having to be asked or actively choosing not to partake in reckless teenage antics, understanding reasonable developmental expectations will ensure that your child is given a fair go at achieving them.
Advice from Dr Leon Levitt
“I remember during a particularly bad 3-year-old tantrum, I just had to leave the room. I thought ‘Let me get rid of my anger, anxiety and frustration and go back in there with a different attitude, and create a positive atmosphere around myself and my family.’ When I went back in, that little issue that I was worried about stopped affecting me so much, and I was able to model a calmer energy that my children could mirror.”
Shaping child behaviour is about:
- Creating an environment of approval, encouragement, love, and praise
- Being conscious of mood and energy levels, and trying to keep them out of responses
- Consistency (in keeping promises and responding to unacceptable behaviour)
- Giving children the confidence to explore their freedoms, knowing they have a safe place to return to
You want your child to develop into a considerate, active member of society but you also want to maintain your sanity while teaching them how. Remember that your child doesn’t have the immense pressure you have as a teacher and mentor; they get to sit back and learn, testing the limits and discovering new things about themselves every day.
Prioritise your mindset and your child will follow suit.
For more parenting tips, visit #drleon.
