When did you last get some quality time with the kids? If you answered “sorry, what was the question?”, you may be one of many modern parents with few seconds to spare and little space in their head for such a novelty. But it doesn’t need to be this way.
While there are always going to be things that eat away at family time (work, school, sports practice), there are steps you can take to reduce their effects and boost the amount of quality time shared between you and your little ones. And the first is the easiest gift you can give.
Practising presence in parenting
If there’s one small change you can make that will immediately improve the quality of time you do get to spend with your kids, it’s making an effort to be more present. This doesn’t just mean physically; committing yourself emotionally and mentally when spending time with your child is the trick to getting the most out of these moments.
Being there in every sense
It’s easy to let your mind wander when so many aspects of life demand your attention – What’s for dinner? What time is that meeting tomorrow? When is that swimming carnival again? – but kids can tell when they don’t have your full attention.
Practising mindfulness and focusing on the moment means you’ll be better able to listen to your child and provide better responses to their needs.
This is a concept that applies to children of any age – it’s just about tailoring the response to their changing needs.
Speaking their language: engaging with your child at any age
While a toddler and a teenager may seem like entirely different species, there are some fool proof ways of connecting with children of all ages, regardless of their current favourite dinosaur or TikTok influencer.
Tune in to their interests
All children want to feel safe, loved and respected by their parents and while the first two come naturally, you may not always be up to date with what occupies their hearts and minds.
This is where a little interest can make a world of difference.
If your 5-year-old is drawing a picture, ask their subjects’ names and why they’re doing what they’re doing in the picture. Compliment their chosen colour palette and how well they’ve captured that tree in the backyard. Ask them to draw a portrait of you next and follow their direction. Many childhood activities can become communal if you show interest early.
Perhaps your 12-year-old is listening to music with headphones on. Ask them what they’re listening to and if you can have a listen, too. Offer to play their music over speakers so that the activity can become more communal. While their favourite song might not be to your tastes, it’s important to show interest so that they feel as though theirs are accepted and don’t have to be relegated to listening in isolation.
You may not always share the same interests with your child but if they feel you respect theirs, they’ll feel safe and accepted in sharing other interests with you when they pop up.
Be a better interviewer
If the traditional “so, how was school?” fails to elicit more than a one-word response, you may need to dig a little deeper and ask more thoughtful, open-ended questions.
“What was the funniest thing that happened at school today? What are you most looking forward to doing over the holidays? If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose?”
Small talk is exhausting even to adults; children deserve better topics if you expect them to take a more contributory role in family time.
Support their pursuits
Remember when your parents expressed relief at you quitting a sport because it meant no more chauffeuring? Well, now it’s your turn.
While the driving around part may be slightly inconvenient, making an effort to be more involved with your child’s extracurricular activities will bring you closer together, even when you’re an observer rather than a participant.
The drives to and from sport/music/language lessons suddenly become a great opportunity to squeeze in some quality time as you discuss a niche topic that you know interests your child.
If you can look for other ways to become more involved, like offering to score a game or helping them practise outside of lesson time, your efforts will stay in your child’s mind long after the activity runs its course.
How to find the (quality) time
Paying attention, asking thoughtful questions and taking a more active role in your child’s extracurricular life all sound wonderful. But what if, like many working parents, you simply don’t have enough hours in the day to spare?
This is where you might need to blend organisation and creativity in putting the time that you do have to good use.
Ask for a helping hand
Children crave approval from their parents and trusting them to partake in an adult activity, like grocery shopping or preparing dinner, gives them responsibility and pride when they complete a task.
Turning dinner preparation into a communal activity makes food more fun, reduces the likelihood of fussiness and makes this next step seem more natural.
Use your dining table for its intended purpose
Before 70-inch televisions found their way into the living room, families used to gather at the dining table for dinner every night. Something was lost in the migration to the couch and it wasn’t just crumbs down the sides of the cushions.
Establishing family dinner time leads to better parent/child relationships (among many other benefits) and a more collaborative household.
Schedule fun
It may seem like ‘fun’ and ‘schedule’ are paradoxical but when time is scarce, you’ve got to work with what you’ve got. Jot in regular plans to go for a short bike ride or play a game together. If there is an understanding that Tuesday evenings are for riding to the park, both you and your child will have something to look forward to during the week.
Put the phones away
A key factor in facilitating this type of family bonding (especially where a teenager is involved) is a device detente; that is, everyone puts their phones away for the duration of the activity.
This means you too; children model behaviour and if they’re not feeling connected to you because there’s a tiny but powerful computer blocking the passage, they are more likely to zone out themselves.
Be a friendly ghost
While it’s preferable to be there in person, there are ways to leave fragments of yourself for your children to discover throughout their day. Writing notes and including them in their lunch boxes is a classic idea but a modern spin could be recording a short video of yourself and sending it to them when you know they’ll be on lunch. A short, sentimental reminder that you’re thinking of them will stand out in a child’s mind despite you not physically being with them.
This leads to an important point that many parents struggle with…
It’s okay to spend time away from your kids
They say everything changes when you become a parent and for the most part, this is true. But it does not mean you have to abandon individual interests and contentedly live as the shell of your former self that society expects you to be.
Parents who practise self-care and make time for adult enjoyment are able to ‘turn up’ for their kids as more centred, relaxed and happy caregivers, resulting in happier children.
Advice from Dr Leon Levitt
“At a very early age, being present with your child is about engaging with their eyes and smiling; that’s all they need at this stage.
A slightly older child – say 3 or 4 – needs to feel as though you’re interested in what they’re doing; this is where playing together comes in.
A teenager requires a very different type of presence altogether; being with a teenager might mean being in the background a lot of the time, but always available and open when they need.
It’s the same principle, just applied through a different language of engagement.”
Some things you can do to maximise your presence with your child are:
- Recognise their interests and support their pursuits
- Leave traces of yourself when you can’t physically be there
- Find ways to extract quality time from regular household activities
- Take time for yourself so that you can be a better you when you’re with your kids
Parents could stand to worry less about the time they think they should be spending with their kids. Life happens at its own pace and much of it is out of your control; all you can do is make the most of the time together that you do have.
