If you’ve ever tried to tell your child to “calm down” when they’re in the midst of big feelings like anxiety or fear, you’ll know how futile the tactic can be. That’s because children (especially young ones) have about as much control over their anxiety as they do over their emotions, and it is up to parents to respond to it in a way that eases them through.
It can be hard for parents to know exactly how to help when their child is anxious or fearful. To ensure you’re equipped with the right strategies, it’s important to first understand where child anxiety comes from.
What causes child anxiety?
There are some children who have higher levels of anxiety than others and the causes can vary:
- Genetics – children with a family member who struggles with anxiety are more likely to be anxious
- Inherent sensitivity – some children are just more emotionally sensitive
- Their surroundings – having an anxious parent or living in an environment where anxiety is higher can teach kids to be more anxious as they model parent behaviour
- Overprotectedness – children who live in a bubble are more likely to feel anxious outside of it
- Stressful events in the home (e.g. parent separation or a hospital stay)
Child brain development and the self-regulation issue
Anxiety is a normal part of early childhood. But children don’t yet have the tools to make sense of it — and expecting them to manage it alone is developmentally unrealistic.
That’s because the brain systems responsible for managing emotion and applying logic — primarily the prefrontal cortex — are still developing well into adolescence. In young children, emotional responses are largely governed by the amygdala, the part of the brain that detects danger and triggers alarm. It reacts quickly and intensely, without filtering for what’s “rational” or “safe.” That’s why fears can feel overwhelming — even when nothing is actually wrong.
Children also have limited language and cognitive capacity to explain what they’re feeling. So when a child appears clingy, panicked, aggressive, or shut down, it often reflects anxiety they don’t know how to name or regulate.
And that’s not their fault. As adults, we need to lead that regulation process — not expect it from them.
This is the foundation of what psychologists call co-regulation: the idea that young children learn emotional skills by borrowing calm from their caregivers. When a parent responds to a child’s anxiety with empathy, structure, and steadiness, the child’s nervous system is more likely to settle — and over time, the brain builds stronger internal pathways for self-regulation.
So rather than asking “how do I stop my child from being anxious?”, the better question is: How can I support them through it, in a way their brain can actually use?
“Parents can teach regulation techniques in the hopes that one day, their child will self-regulate. It’s not something they can do on their own; they need to be shown how,” – Dr Leon Levitt
The difference between ‘normal’ anxiety and an an anxiety disorder
Anxieties in children are often more generalised than they seem, but there are simple things to look out for to identify the need for help.
Common childhood anxieties could include:
- Fears of social interaction with other children
- Not feeling comfortable being separated from their parents
- Not having a specific trigger but showing general anxiety towards different areas of their life
Signs of something more serious:
- When the anxiety interferes with school attendance
- When the anxiety affects friendships and family life
- When their schoolwork suffers as a result
- When their sleep or physical health starts to suffer
It’s very common for children to have fears and anxieties, and there’s not always a straightforward way of dealing with them. But there are things you can do to help.
Responding to an anxious child
Parent whisperer Dr Becky says that what really scares children is being alone when changes in their environment occur and not having an adult explain these changes to them. Dr Leon Levitt has an answer for how parents can best respond in these scenarios:
“Responding to minor child anxiety means modelling calmness and employing preventative strategies to help the child recognise and get through their own anxiety. Eventually, the child will learn how to respond to it themselves.” – Dr Leon Levitt
Modelling calm in the face of anxiety
The most influential strategy for managing child anxiety is in your own response to stressors and triggers. Being calm in your voice, tone and expressions reassures a child that, while their anxiety is not being dismissed, it is able to be overcome.
Knowing that a child cannot apply reason to their own anxiety, it’s up to you to display calmness and understanding of the situation, even (or especially) when you can’t relate. What your child needs most in moments of anxiety is to have their concerns heard and believed, and to know that you’re here with them to get through it.
While your response is the most important factor, there are many preventative strategies you can also implement to help your child tackle anxiety.
Being predictive of anxiety
Preparing a child who gets anxious over changes in situations or routines may involve repeated alerts before the event (for example, leaving a friend’s house) and making sure they hear and understand. If the child is anxious over the routine being disturbed, it’s also helpful to share with them what will happen after the event, so that the familiar routine is again in sight.
This applies to new events as well. While some children will happily accept surprises, others will require much more preparation for what this new environment will be like. Introducing them to the event from a distance (through description and perhaps even videos of similar events) will better prepare the anxious child for what to expect. If you can turn anxiety into enthusiasm, the chances of the child experiencing fear and panic are lessened.
Encouraging but not pushing
If your child expresses anxiety over a particular activity, it can be helpful to break it into segments and to encourage them to attempt just one to start with. This way, you can isolate which part of the activity is the major stressor and build the child’s exposure towards it.
Praising them for their attempts
Moving the focus from completion of an activity to the attempt of an activity acknowledges the effort as an accomplishment in itself. For example, if your child is expected to take part in a team game and they want to leave after a few minutes, praise them for the time that they did spend and encourage them to acknowledge this achievement. This builds confidence slowly but surely.
Breathing exercises
Teaching your child to take slow, deep breaths when overwhelmed helps them to identify their own physical responses to anxiety and offers a solution that they can employ to calm themselves.
Designating a time for worry
While your child may not have any control over when they feel anxious, designating a window of time in which they can write down their worries on paper, get them off their chest and then file them away for the next window, can help children learn to deal with stress more effectively.
“It is most effective to apply these techniques when the child is not in a state of anxiety as when they’re panicked, they won’t be able to learn a new skill or do anything outside of that panic. As the child starts to respond to these techniques, they will eventually be able to apply them while they’re experiencing the anxiety,” – Dr Leon Levitt
Advice from Dr Leon Levitt
“When it comes to managing anxiety, you need to lead by example. You can’t expect little ones to understand what to do in these situations; it’s on adults to be responsive and ease them through until the day comes that they can do it themselves.”
In summary:
- Minor worries and fears are normal in children
- They are often more generalised than they seem, and addressing a specific fear can sometimes cause it to re-appear as something else
- Dealing in a calm and reassuring way is key to getting a child through their minor anxiety as they will mirror your response
- Anxiety at a higher level, that causes ongoing behavioural problems, should always be looked at by a specialist
- Preventative strategies are helpful in teaching children how to respond to their own anxieties and fears
Anxieties are developmentally expected, not signs that something is “wrong.” The goal isn’t to eliminate them — it’s to help children move through them, with trust and connection intact.
As difficult as it is to see a child anxious (and as tempting as it is to just cuddle away the worry), it’s important to address and improve anxiety in children in order for them to build resilience. Anxiety will often fade with age and confidence, but if it doesn’t, help is always available.
If you are looking for support for your anxious child, book an appointment with one of the GPs at Baby Steps.
